Movie Reviews

Throughout my teenage years, my most regular non-school writings were film reviews. The early ones feel downright embarrassing -- little more than a rating and a vague, often derivative sentence or two. Over time, they improved to a point where I felt confident enough to set up a website as my outlet. This lasted about two months before I burned out on writing the reviews -- not so much because of the reviews themselves (though those took considerable time), but the frustrations of building the website and maintaining it in a way I found satisfying. After that, I rarely wrote anything resembling a true review except for an occasional post on the Cracked forums.

Now, at last, I have returned to these roots, triumphing over such extraordinary obstacles as laziness and basic html code to bring back... my film reviews. (mostly because I'm not ready for my upcoming series on US presidents and can't think of anything else to write)

I hope you find my reviews to be insightful and entertaining.

For actual ratings, I use the 4-star scale system:


* * * * A Masterpiece; a must-see

* * * 1/2 Near-brilliant

* * * Flawed but solid; worth checking out if it interests you

* * 1/2 Okay but unexceptional

* * Very weak; not without redeeming aspects, but only for genre fanatics

* 1/2 Bad

* Really bad.

ZERO STARS Not only an embarrassment to film, but an insult to the entire human race, nay, the universe. May actually cause death to the weak-willed. If aliens invade and destroy our civilization and enslave humanity, it's probably because they caught a broadcast of this film.


I don't give out four stars very often, and ZERO STARS much more rarely (thankfully). Those are special, exceptional cases. I don't have a 1/2 star rating because the difference between a single star and half a star is akin to the difference between been devoured by a ravenous pack of wolves and being devoured by a ravenous pack of hyenas. Both endeavors, while perhaps noble, end in tears and unheeded screams for help.

A rating of ZERO STARS is like being devoured by a ravenous pack of Velociraptors. Sure, it also ends with tears and screams for help, but it is unusual and memorable. And in its own tragic, horrifying way, it's kinda cool.