Thursday, December 30, 2010

Batman Soundtrack Reviews Part 2 - Batman Returns

Part two in a series of pieces examining the various soundtracks that have accompanied the live-action Batman films from 1989-2008.



BATMAN RETURNS
by Danny Elfman


After the phenomenal success of Batman, Tim Burton spun one of his most personal and creative yarns in Edward Scissorhands before returning to the superhero. His follow-up, Batman Returns, was far darker than its predecessor, a grim tragedy enlivened by its offbeat humor with only occasional flashes of heroism. Its heart rests in the romance between Bruce Wayne and Selina Kyle, beautifully capturing two lonely souls finding each other before tearing them apart through their secret lives as Batman and Catwoman. It's a rich yarn, enhanced by wonderful performances by Michael Keaton and Michelle Pfieffer. Its plot rests largely with the film’s other primary villain, the Penguin, a hideously deformed man abandoned by his parents and raised by Penguins in the sewers of Gotham. It’s an ugly (and funny) portrait of loneliness itself. These powerful personal stories are set amidst a backdrop of fantastic atmosphere and stunning visual design that make it a unique and fascinating production.
But for all the film’s success in characterization and thematic depth, it fails in many ways when it comes to the superheroic elements. In Batman, the sheer energy of the film overcame the somewhat clumsy staging of fights and chases, but the more restrained Returns can’t pull that off, and the action sequences are rather lame. It’s also an awfully grisly, gloomy, sensuous, and very adult tale for a PG-13 flick about a guy dressing up like a bat to beat up criminals. Audiences at the time had understandably mixed reactions, with parents decrying its MPAA rating as a joke. Comic-book fans praise its dark complexity to the high heavens (deservedly), while others are left cold by its poor action, not to mention the sheer weirdness of the film (understandably). It’s a strange and uneven film with moments of cinematic brilliance.


Danny Elfman’s score is equally uneven. In its best moments, it’s a remarkable companion piece to Batman; in others, it’s almost unbearably whacked-out.


The opening track starts with the lonely trumpet beginning the Batman theme before turning to Elfman's gloomy Penguin theme. Like before, the instrumentation is very creative, with a brief but spectacular pipe organ solo and haunting vocals reminiscent of the (much brighter) chorals in Edward Scissorhands. In fact, the entire opening feels in many ways like the dark side of that score. It's a terrific piece, alternately brooding and fantastic before finally starting up the still-rousing Batman theme a few minutes in.


There's something missing in the performance, though. For the original, Shirley Walker directed the London Symphony Orchestra; here, Elfman conducted an LA-based orchestra. The original performances of the theme were deep and powerful, full of fire and passion. The London Symph poured their hearts and souls into their performances, and Walker directed them magnificently, and the passion comes through. In Returns, though, it sounds professional but somehow empty; there's none of the sonic depth or fiery performance of the old recording. Still, it's good to hear the old themes.


After the opening, the score descends into mostly murky gloom, punctuated by occasional comic beats. It's weird and unsettling, and while it's appropriate for the penguin, the lack of drive and energy is tiring. It's also not terribly emotional outside of the first and last passages of the score; just sort of interesting. The dismal atmosphere and comic outbursts don't mesh -- which, to be fair, is often true of the film, too, which uneasily brews black comedy, tragic romance, and clumsy fight scenes; the setting is almost always steeped in shadow and German expressionisms, but then throws in a giant motorized rubber ducky for the Penguin to ride around in. It's really strange, and the score reflects this accurately to its own detriment. When the score finally gets around to Catwoman's theme, it's refreshing just to hear something different.


Catwoman's theme uses high-pitched violin screeches to suggest the sounds that cats make, underlaied with gloomy undertones. It nails the concept, and really does sound like a musical recreation of a woman expressing pure feline instincts. It also sounds extraordinarily like a cat's meow.

Now let me be clear about something: a cat's meow is not a pleasant sound. It's a high-pitched squeal with only a single meaning. When dogs bark, it can be scary, but it can just as often be a joyful exclamation. Barks can show a full range of emotion, and it's elating hearing a happy bark. A meow, on the other hand, always means precisely one thing: "You're not paying enough attention to My Lordship." It's as grating as nails on a chalkboard and even more malevolent. The cat wants nothing more than to make everything, including you, smell like him, and you can hear it in his voice. So when I say that Elfman captures this concept perfectly, I mean to say that it's a brilliant achievement that works its purpose nicely in both the film and on the CD, but more than about two minutes of it is almost unbearable.

There's something like twenty minutes of it on the soundtrack. The portions of the score devoted to her get downright painful despite the remarkable creativity. Where it works beautifully is in the climax of the film, where it's mixed with other tones and used sparingly to heartbreaking effect. If only it hadn't been so difficult to get to that wonderful finale.


Every now and then, there's an action cue, but somehow these are never as exciting as they should be. The brass has none of the power it should, and often sounds rather muted. In the otherwise dismal mid-sections of the score, these should be a highlight, but they fall oddly flat.


Inexplicably, the score is missing a theme (or really even an acknowledgement) of the romance. Elfman is capable of heartrending compositions, but didn't even attempt to give the love story its own life.


Whatever the scores many problems, though, the final tracks are well worthwhile. "The Children's Hour" starts with a gorgeous music-box rendition of the Penguin score before finally revving up some real action cues. They're not on the level of Batman's "Charge of the Batmobile" or similar pieces, but they have the excitement the previous such bits lacked. The following two-part "Final Confrontation" is a wild ride of very Elfmanish wackiness -- thrillingly eerie, exciting, and fascinating. "The Finale Part I" at last delivers the full force of tragedy that the Penguin's music has been hinting at throughout, and "The Finale Part II" is a devastating conclusion to Catwoman's tale. Near the end, it transitions to a quiet, haunting statement of Batman's theme before returning to the tragedy.


And then, as the film's final, surprising image comes up, it at last crescendoes into the exhilerating Batman theme in "End Credits." The rest of the track is a suite of the other two primary themes, beautiful and fascinating.


Afterwards, there is the pop song "Face to Face", and interesting oddity Elfman co-wrote for the ballroom scene. It's interesting (and works wonderfully in the context of the film), but doesn't really match the rest of the score. Perhaps if Elfman had used part of the song for a love theme, it would have felt less awkward on the album. Still, it's here for completion's sake.




So, for all its faults, the score does deliver a strong if inferior sequel score in its first 5 and last 20 minutes and has a very interesting albeit off-putting theme for Catwoman in the mid-section. It's a slog getting from the opening to closing, and unlike the previous album, which is a must-buy, this one is really only for Elfman fans and genre completists. Definitely an interesting score, whatever the case.
RATING: * * 1/2

Batman Soundtracks Reviews -- Part One

Part one of a series of pieces examining the various soundtracks that have accompanied the live-action Batman films from 1989-2008.


BATMAN
by Danny Elfman




The release of Tim Burton’s flawed but thrilling Batman in 1989 lit a firestorm of comic-book adaptations that Richard Donner’s spectacular Superman somehow failed to do in 1978. Burton’s dark, stylish approach and the rich contributions of a remarkable cast and crew made for a terrific show, despite some weaknesses in characterization and Burton’s sometimes-clunky action scenes. It became the highest-grossing film of its year, beating such strong contenders as Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade and Lethal Weapon 2. Its success fueled a slew of comic-book adaptations such as Dick Tracy, The Crow and The Mask.
Among the most important contributions to the film was Danny Elfman’s sensational score, a complex and magnificent volley of triumphant brass, wild percussion, a crazed approach for the villain, and a remarkably thoughtful quieter side.

Elman’s theme for the titular hero heard in “Main Title” starts with a lonely, rising trumpet, slowly joined by the orchestra before a stunning outburst of orchestra and choir ignites an exhilarating theme. Much like John Williams’ Superman theme, the melody defines the character so perfectly that it’s hard to think of one without the other. Batman/Bruce Wayne is a complex character, a quiet, brooding, and violent man tortured by tragedy and his own darkness, but always driven to great deeds and heroism. His theme in the score is a rousing trumpet melody that rises in minor and falls in major to capture his duality; he is both heroic and frightening, and this element is perfectly represented. It’s a magnificent overture, and the theme blazes through the various action tracks – most powerfully in “Charge of the Batmobile” – but also moves more elegantly with strings when necessary. It’s a knockout theme.


Elman’s other themes aren’t as unforgettable, but they’re consistently solid. The Joker’s theme is appropriately bizarre, an over-the-top carnival sound that nails the character’s energy, psychotic bursts of violence, and whacked-out sense of humor in an appropriately offbeat way. His own theme climaxes in “Waltz to the Death,” adding a perfectly crazed contrast to the driving action cues surrounding it (and the montage it accompanies in the film of the Joker forcing Vicki Vale to dance with him while Batman fights his henchmen). The henchmen are represented by odd, fast-paced percussions that are lots of fun to listen to.

The quieter side of the score is surprisingly thoughtful. The Joker gets a lyrical bit of weirdness for his more contemplative moments, while a fleeting love theme works to emphasize the short nature of the romance between Bruce Wayne and Vicki Vale.
The instrumentation throughout is remarkably creative, layering trumpets in contrast to each other, adding power to the action with a pipe organ, and using a piano for emotions both tender and intense.

The score is perfectly structured; except for the blast of the main theme in the first track, the various themes are built slowly but surely. The first two-thirds is more brooding with only occasional bursts of action before the stunning last third, culminating in the rousing “Finale,” one of the finest pieces of cinematic musical heroism ever created.

Elfman’s Batman score is a truly remarkable work, one of the true classics of film soundtracks, a must for any soundtrack collector or lover of rousing orchestral themes, and a worthwhile effort for anyone interested in this sort of music.

Rating: * * * *


Friday, July 23, 2010

Review: Forgotten Silver (1995)

One of the great forgotton pioneers of early film was New Zealander Colin McKenzie. He was also one of the most unfortunate.

  • In 1908, he created not only the first feature-length film, but the first movie with sound. Unfortunately, this startling innovation was quickly forgotten because he made the film in Chinese and didn't think to invent subtitles. Audiences were only impressed with the gimmick momentarily, then became bored when they couldn't understand anything the actors said.
  • In 1911, he travelled to a remote Tahitian island to experiment with certain chemicals found in berries unique to that area. He used this to create the first color film footage. Unfortunately, a topless native wandered into his nature shot, and when he showed his astonishing invention, he was arrested on smut charges.
  • In the 1920s, he mounted a massive Biblical epic called Salome about the woman who demanded the head of John the Baptist. He built a collasal set of Jerusalem deep in the jungles of New Zealand and hired thousands of extras. His ambition was too great, and he spent a decade in a desperate cycle of raising funds, filming until funds ran out, and searching for someone else to invest in the endless project. When it was finally finished, it held not only a tragic personal cost for him, but due to various problems with his investers, it was never released, and all the footage was buried and presumed lost.

For all that, he was still an extraordinary artist and technician who, thanks to the work of this documentary, can finally take his place in the pantheon of the great film pioneers like Milies, Sumner, and Griffith.

Oh, yeah, there one final twist the story I haven't mentioned:

None of it is true. McKenzie never existed.

If you didn't know that before watching, you might well be fooled by the film. Many of its initial viewers certainly were. It's actually a satiric bit of whimsy from Peter Jackson in his pre-Lord of the Rings days, but Jackson and co-director Costa Botes weave genuine history and convincing interviews into the yarn so well and so perfectly capture the feel of TV documentaries that you might miss the sheer goofiness of the whole thing. There are a couple of outrageously silly moments, but most of the silliness is done with subtlety and a straight face, and actually works. If you buy into it, it's probably pretty interesting. If you know what's going on -- or figure it out -- it's a blast.

The fictitious McKenzie is a fascinating character. He's a genius who creates astonishing things, but due to external circumstances and internal flaws, is somehow never as successful as the hacks who understand the system -- sort of a cinematic Nikola Tesla. Jackson and Botes are full of clever ideas about this guy. The twists of fate that accompany the filming of Salome are terrific.

There are interviews with real figures in the film inudstry to lend credibility. Leonard Maltin is every bit as good at his faux-interview as he is in real documentaries -- articulate, energetic, and beaming with his passion for film. Harvey Weinstein and Sam Neill also pop up for engaging comments; Weinstein probably has the funniest joke in the film.

One thing that impressed me was how immersive the yarn is. More than once, I reacted with astonishment at what McKenzie accomplished before I reminded myself that it was fiction. While it's a very funny film, it also has moments that are genuinely moving. McKenzie's ultimate fate is deeply tragic and yet oddly inspiring, like his entire (non-existent) life. A lot of the film follows Jackson adventuring into the New Zealand wilderness to find the lost sets from Salome, yet another of the film's engagingly goofy yet convincing ideas; it's a fascinating uncovering of a great mystery.

Jackson and Botes recreate lots of silent-movie footage for the film, and they absolutely nail the look and feel of silents. The framing, the stagy acting, the dirt and scratches all make McKenzie's films look like the real thing. Salome looks especially cool with its massive central set-piece, where tensions between the Jews and Romans erupt into a nicely done battle sequence.

Forgotten Silver is the sort of odd, clever little yarn that probably appeals more to film lovers than anyone else, but I think almost anyone would enjoy it. It's has the sort of good-natured fun and inventiveness you don't see much anymore. Definitely worth checking out.

* * *

--------------------------------------------------------------

RATING: Not rated -- it was originally produced for New Zealand TV. It does contain brief, incidental National Geographic-style nudity of Tahitian natives.

BUDGET: $650,000. They accomplished a lot on that. Of course, it looks like a low-budget TV documentary, but that silent film footage looks like it ate up ten times that amount, easily. Very impressive.

IMDB.COM RATING: 7.6/10.

CRITICAL CONSENSUS: 100% positive on rottentomatoes.

AWARDS: It won the New Zealand TV & Film award for Best Director in the Televesion Drama/Comedy category.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Review: The Dark Knight (2010)

I was going to begin my film reviews with the last film I saw in a theater -- Chris Nolan's terrific Inception -- but my review was getting awfully pretentious, so I decided instead to review his previous film.





Six months after donning the black cape of Batman, Bruce Wayne (Christian Bale) finds the city of Gotham still on the brink of disaster. Criminals are afraid to do their work at night, but it hasn't stopped them from trying. Various Batman copycats are trying to emulate him, but without his training or particular moral code, and quite often they end up dead or injured themselves. And worst of all, a deadly psychopath with a sick sense of human calling himself the Joker (Heath Ledger) has appeared and gleefully and violently driving the city into chaos. Yet out of this darkness shines hope for the future in a trio of men dedicated to saving Gotham: the incorruptable officer Jim Gordon; impassioned attorney Harvey Dent; and the Dark Knight himself.


After Joel Schumacher's infamous flop Batman and Robin single-handedly torpedoed a promising film series, the future of a cinematic Batman was in doubt. Of course he would return -- a character this popular was bound to come back -- but it was a project full of dropped projects and dead ends. However, when the series finally did return, it returned in the hands of the incredibly talented up-and-coming Christopher Nolan, hot off a pair of excellent Memento and Insomnia. His approach to Batman Begins was a (mostly) terrific surprise -- an intelligent, compelling tale that emphasized complex characterizations over action and special effects while still delivering plenty of imagination and excitement. (Which was good, because the action scenes were hit-and-miss; some, like the dock sequence and the car chase, were vivid, clever scenes, but too many of the fight scenes were rendered incomprehensible by the shaky-cam/fast-cut style so unfortunately popular) Strong word of mouth not only propelled it to a strong box office performance, but created a surprisingly widespread fanbase after it DVD release.


Despite some misgivings from the fans, the hype for The Dark Knight was incredible. Sure, Heath Ledger seemed like a strange choice for the Joker, but insiders claimed to be astonished at the result and the trailers were dazzling, more thrilling and powerful in three minutes than most Hollywood films are in three hours. And Ledger's shocking, untimely death raised a whole new level of interest as one of the last performances of a talented actor.


Remarkably, it lived up to the hype. The Dark Knight is a tremendous film in every way. As a crime drama, it's as powerful a tale as has ever been brought to the screen. As a personal tragedy, it's devastating. As an action film, it's exhilarating. Most importantly, though, it manages to do all that and still be fun. More than anything, I worried that with all its darkness, all its violence, all its sadness, it would drain away the enjoyment. It didn't. It has lots of sadness, but it's also thrilling, funny, and genuinely inspiring.

There's really not enough good to be said about the cast. Christian Bale's gravelly voice for Batman was criticized by some, but it's an effective and believable choice for the character at this point in his career. More importantly, his Bruce Wayne is superbly handled. Wayne is not only playing Batman, but even as himself, he's playing a part for others. He can't be the kind of upstanding citizen Batman should be; instead, he acts as a spoiled rich kid. Bale adds an interesting element here: there's a sense that the act is starting to spill into his own personality because he never gets to be himself except around Alfred (as whom Michael Caine is exactly the tower of strength you expect). Meanwhile, under the mask of the Bat is a tortured, fascinating individual trying desperately not to kill or become too violent -- not becoming the very people he is hunting.


Opposing him is Heath Ledger's Joker. Ledger's variation on the character makes the humor a lot more subtle and emphasizes the violent, chaotic intensity. It makes for a terrifying individual, but the pitch-black humor that defines the Joker is still there. His "pencil trick" is the most obvious of these, but multiple viewings reveal a great many jokes hidden because he often tells the punchline to the joke long before the set-up (which, of course, is already planned out in his devious head). Ledger's strange delivery, sometimes-graceful, sometimes-abrupt movements, and terrifying laugh makes the villain as edgy as any cinematic psychopath. He isn't my favorite Joker -- that would be Mark Hamill's whacked-out interpretation from the 90's Batman: The Animated Series -- but he's perfect for this film.


Supporting them, Aaron Eckhart makes Harvey Dent the most sympathetic and tragic character in the film. He's not only an incredibly likable guy, but every bit the upstanding man Batman is, and without the violence or darkness. But hidden underneath is a man who really is on the edge. He flips a two-headed coin to make impossible decisions; it seems like a good plan -- heads, you do the right thing, and it's always heads. But he keeps throwing himself into those decisions. He's playing with fire, and the Joker knows he only needs the right push to cross the line.

Unlike a lot of viewers, I actually rather liked Katie Holmes as Bruce Wayne's love interest in Batman Begins. She brought a likable innocence and some hidden strength to the role. But Maggie Gyllanhall is a superb replacement; she makes Rachel Dawes her own. Morgan Freeman returns to play Lucius Fox, Batman's quivalent to Q, and again brings his always wonderful presense to a dark tale in need of his warmth. Cillian Murphy has a nice return cameo as the Scarecrow. The supporting cast is peppered with great character actors who never seem to get into good movies any more -- Eric Roberts, Michael Jai White, Anthony Michael Hall.

Best of all, though, is Gary Oldman as Gordon. Oldman is best known for his wildly over-the-top scenery-chewing in stuff like True Romance, Leon the Professional, and Immortal Beloved. Jim Gordon is an entirely different character -- a quiet, introverted man who is nearly as full of fear as he is of courage. Even more so than Batman, he's the moral center of the film. Oldman underplays the role brilliantly and grounds the story. Like with Batman Begins, it's hard to believe that he's even more effective at this sort of subtle role than his usual delightful wackiness.

It helps all the actors, of course, that the script by Christopher and Jonathan Nolan is so strong. The film reminded me strongly of Heat in the way each character was really given a complete story, and these stories all blended into one superb tale. It's probably even better than Heat because none of the stories are tangents (like Natalie Portman's subplot in that film): they're all absolutely integral to the tale. Particularly moving is Harvey Dent's plot because the film makes you care so very deeply about this guy and cheer so much for him, but anyone who knows Batman knows where his future lies, and his fate hangs over him in every scene. You dread every moment he's in danger... or even when he's just being a good person, because he's going to fall from such great heights.

Of course, a Batman movie can't just be characterization; it's an escapist fantasy, full of atmosphere and action. And The Dark Knight contains some of the finest action sequences I've ever seen. The car chase may be the best ever filmed, and is certainly up there with The Road Warrior, The French Connection, and Bullitt. In fact, it may be better than Bullitt because you care so very deeply about the characters and fear so much for their safety. The fight scenes are always completely clear, never rendered confusing by editing or style -- and were superbly choreographed. They weren't choreographed with in the beautiful, dance-like way of the East and of the Wichowskis; they were rough and real. (not that I dislike balletic fight scenes; on the contrary I love them. The toughness of the fights was the right choice for this film, however.)

The climactic scene and the finale are truly what drive this film into the stratosphere; they are thrilling, but it's their meaning and depth that give the film such power. The film, in the end, is not about villains and their plots, but about heroes and asking what heroes must do to fight such villains. Unlike Burton's Batman, this is not a film about the Joker. The Joker is done as brilliantly as he could be done, but this film is about Batman, about Dent, about Gordon, about Good. And that is what makes it one of the finest films to come to theaters in many, many years. That is what raises this film from descriptions like "comic-book movie" or even "crime drama" and into the realm of great literature, of great art.

And it's really, really cool, too. All the gadgets, the gimicks, the fights, the cape, the explosions, the Batmobile (and Batcycle!), a few good one-liners, everything you want from a Batman flick. But it's a lot more than that; it's a cinematic masterpiece that proves Nolan to be one of the great film makers of our time.

I suppose you could call this the Godfather of comic-book films. It would be tempting to compare it to Godfather II because it's such a terrific sequel, but it resembles the first more because Godfather II is a gripping, immensely powerful tragedy; Godfather is a gripping, immensely powerful tragedy and a lot of fun. And that's what this is: a sweeping, powerful crime drama that's also great entertainment.

* * * *

------------------------------------------------------------------------

RATING: PG-13 for violence and language. To be honest, it probably should have gotten a light R. The violence isn't bloody, per se, but it's extremely intense and packs a heck of a punch. That's not a criticism of the film itself, but just yet another case of the MPAA giving out improper ratings (and likely due to more than a dose of studio influence).

BUDGET: $185 million.

BOX OFFICE: A genuine blockbuster that not only had a record-breaking opening weekend of $158 million, but had enough legs to carry it to $530 million in the US, and nearly as much internationally.

IMDB.COM RATING: 8.9, currently the #12 film of all time on their site.

CRITICAL CONSENSUS: They loved it every bit as much as audiences. 93% positive on rottentomatoes.com, and a rating of 82 on metacritic.com. Many critics named it the best or one of the best of 2008.

AWARDS: Nominated for eight Academy Awards, winner of two -- Supporting Actor (Ledger) and Sound Editing. However, despite the universal praise and massive popularity of the film, it failed to get nominations for Best Picture or Director, which more than anything prompted the revamping of the awards the next year, where the Best Picture category was expanded to 10 nominees so these sorts of snubs were less likely. Outside of the Oscars, Heath Ledger posthumously won virtually every supporting actor award on the planet and probably several that didn't even exist beforehand and were specifically created for his unforgettable performance. The film itself was nominated for approximately 117 million awards and won about 83 million of those.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

LIST OF MOVIE REVIEWS

COMING SOON!

Right here!

Movie Reviews

Throughout my teenage years, my most regular non-school writings were film reviews. The early ones feel downright embarrassing -- little more than a rating and a vague, often derivative sentence or two. Over time, they improved to a point where I felt confident enough to set up a website as my outlet. This lasted about two months before I burned out on writing the reviews -- not so much because of the reviews themselves (though those took considerable time), but the frustrations of building the website and maintaining it in a way I found satisfying. After that, I rarely wrote anything resembling a true review except for an occasional post on the Cracked forums.

Now, at last, I have returned to these roots, triumphing over such extraordinary obstacles as laziness and basic html code to bring back... my film reviews. (mostly because I'm not ready for my upcoming series on US presidents and can't think of anything else to write)

I hope you find my reviews to be insightful and entertaining.

For actual ratings, I use the 4-star scale system:


* * * * A Masterpiece; a must-see

* * * 1/2 Near-brilliant

* * * Flawed but solid; worth checking out if it interests you

* * 1/2 Okay but unexceptional

* * Very weak; not without redeeming aspects, but only for genre fanatics

* 1/2 Bad

* Really bad.

ZERO STARS Not only an embarrassment to film, but an insult to the entire human race, nay, the universe. May actually cause death to the weak-willed. If aliens invade and destroy our civilization and enslave humanity, it's probably because they caught a broadcast of this film.


I don't give out four stars very often, and ZERO STARS much more rarely (thankfully). Those are special, exceptional cases. I don't have a 1/2 star rating because the difference between a single star and half a star is akin to the difference between been devoured by a ravenous pack of wolves and being devoured by a ravenous pack of hyenas. Both endeavors, while perhaps noble, end in tears and unheeded screams for help.

A rating of ZERO STARS is like being devoured by a ravenous pack of Velociraptors. Sure, it also ends with tears and screams for help, but it is unusual and memorable. And in its own tragic, horrifying way, it's kinda cool.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Pizza is Awesome




Pizza is, by definition, a flat, circular bread oven-baked and then topped with various delectable additions, such as tomato sauce, cheese, pepperoni, anchovies, and castor oil.
It is also, by definition, the greatest food in existence, and is listed as one of mankind’s seven most wondrous inventions, alongside the wheel, the harnessing of electrical power, and space travel. Truly, Pizza is awesome.


Amongst its most obvious wonders is its taste. The crust, the very pizza itself, oven-baked and shaped as a plate for the toppings, can be cooked to either a crunchy, elegant hardness or into a loose, chewy softness; both are nothing short of pure joy and happiness once inside of your mouth. Above it is laced with bountiful sauce taken from tomatoes, or perhaps even tomatoes themselves. And above all, that most ancient of delicacies, a marvel predating the earliest histories… cheese. It is this combination that gives such beauty and such bounty.


But it is far, far more than simply a tasty treat. Where the awesomeness of pizza truly begins to shine is in its health benefits. There are those who rebut that pizzas can, in fact, be high in fat content. We call such people “spoilsports”. Their statements are misleading; while there is some fat content, there is, in fact, more than twice as much protein in pizza as there is fat. And the fat can’t possibly be that bad for you. For example, fat in pizza only accounts for 5% of my own personal gut. (the other 95% being the Dr. Peppers I drink with said pizzas)


But it goes beyond simple nutrition facts. In fact, doctors in Europe have found that people who eat pizza once a week are at a lower risk of cancer. That’s right: pizza is the cure for cancer.


Yet, we are not finished, for the benefits of pizza go beyond even personal health. It brings people together. In the late 1800s, as the Italian Queen Margherita wandered the streets of her cities, she noticed the special breads the lower classes all ate. Eventually, she ordered her servants to fetch her a piece of the bread. The other members of the upper class were shocked that she would eat the food of the peasants, but she was drawn to it like a moth to a flame. A cheesy, delicious, pizza-flavored flame. She loved it. She insisted it be delivered to her court, and eventually, cooked by her personal chef. While at first those of the upper class scoffed at the peasant food, eventually, they tried it and found that these peasants had discovered a piece of heaven here on earth. At last, the upper and lower classes had something in common. Besides being human. (usually)


But that is only a sample of its powers of joy and peace. You need look no further than a half-century further on, when pizza spread from Italy to Western Europe and into America. As it spread, peace followed it; for the first time in recorded history, the West was at peace with itself; while the East warred on, drawing ever closer to their attempts to destroy the world. The West had pizza. The East didn’t. Coincidence? I think not.


Look beyond, then, to the future. As this miracle spreads throughout civilization, we will, eventually, grow closer and closer together. Pizza will create world peace.


Best of all, though, Baron von Ricthovan approves. Consider that, my friends. Consider that.



And there you have it – the awesomenss of pizza boiled down to its essence: it is the most extraordinary taste, the greatest possible boost to your health short of celery and apple juice three times daily, the cure for cancer, and the creator of world peace. It is not only the greatest food in the world, but it is everything good and wonderful humanity has ever done, magnificently constructed and perfectly baked. Pizza truly deserves the title, indeed defines the word, awesome.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Title of the Blog

This blog might have begun ages ago if I had disovered a good title. I often find my stories mired in a titleless swamp, drowning in their own titlelessness. It’s not a good excuse for writer’s block, but it’s a surprisingly potent one. When I finally did come up with a title, cannibalizing a rejected name for another project, I asked my younger brother what he thought. In between slaying undead skeletons in Dungeons and Dragons online, he considered this carefully before responding, “It’ll work.”

“That’s it?” I asked. “It’ll work? You mean it’s only adequate?”

“No, it’s very adequate.”

“What’s wrong with it?”

“Oh, it’s a good title. It’s just too epic.”

This confused me. How could that possibly be a bad thing?

“Well, it means that the style of the DIE YOU UNDEAD MONSTROSITY JUST DIE ALREADY blog has to match the title. What will you be writing about?”
“A variety of things. Reviews, short stories, various ideas. I was thinking my first post would be about how awesome Pizza is.”

“Oh.”

“… because seriously, what’s more epic than Pizza?”

“Lots of things.”

“Like what?”

“Um… mushrooms.”

“Mushrooms are not more epic than Pizza, I’m sorry.”

“You just haven’t tried mushrooms the right way.”

“No. Mushrooms cannot be more epic than pizza. Pizza cures cancer and creates world peace. Science and history prove it.”

“Oh really? How have history and science FEEL THE WRATH OF MY ENCHANTED ARROWS MAGGOTS proven that?”

I spent the next several minutes laying out numerous compelling arguments for the superiority of pizza over… whatever he was talking about with mushrooms. (maybe a special way of broiling them?) Alas, my powers of persuasion were wasted on ears interested only in the wailing and torment of his dying, pixilated foes, and I was forced to conclude that my title was, in fact, epic in all the right ways.

This blog is intended to be an outlet for my writing. I’m an aspiring film maker who dabbles in novels, short stories, and articles, but rarely finishes any and often finds himself going weeks without writing anything of value. This blog is an attempt to correct that. I will make at least five entries every week, and attempt to write daily entries. Some will be tales, some snippets of screenplays, some movie reviews, perhaps some Doctor Who reviews, even some amateur analyses of politics or theology.

And every now and then, I’ll even try to write about something important. Like the awesomeness of pizza.

NEXT TIME ON – FOREVER A MADMAN:


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