LIST OF MOVIE REVIEWS

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Movie Reviews

Throughout my teenage years, my most regular non-school writings were film reviews. The early ones feel downright embarrassing -- little more than a rating and a vague, often derivative sentence or two. Over time, they improved to a point where I felt confident enough to set up a website as my outlet. This lasted about two months before I burned out on writing the reviews -- not so much because of the reviews themselves (though those took considerable time), but the frustrations of building the website and maintaining it in a way I found satisfying. After that, I rarely wrote anything resembling a true review except for an occasional post on the Cracked forums.

Now, at last, I have returned to these roots, triumphing over such extraordinary obstacles as laziness and basic html code to bring back... my film reviews. (mostly because I'm not ready for my upcoming series on US presidents and can't think of anything else to write)

I hope you find my reviews to be insightful and entertaining.

For actual ratings, I use the 4-star scale system:


* * * * A Masterpiece; a must-see

* * * 1/2 Near-brilliant

* * * Flawed but solid; worth checking out if it interests you

* * 1/2 Okay but unexceptional

* * Very weak; not without redeeming aspects, but only for genre fanatics

* 1/2 Bad

* Really bad.

ZERO STARS Not only an embarrassment to film, but an insult to the entire human race, nay, the universe. May actually cause death to the weak-willed. If aliens invade and destroy our civilization and enslave humanity, it's probably because they caught a broadcast of this film.


I don't give out four stars very often, and ZERO STARS much more rarely (thankfully). Those are special, exceptional cases. I don't have a 1/2 star rating because the difference between a single star and half a star is akin to the difference between been devoured by a ravenous pack of wolves and being devoured by a ravenous pack of hyenas. Both endeavors, while perhaps noble, end in tears and unheeded screams for help.

A rating of ZERO STARS is like being devoured by a ravenous pack of Velociraptors. Sure, it also ends with tears and screams for help, but it is unusual and memorable. And in its own tragic, horrifying way, it's kinda cool.

Pizza is Awesome

Pizza is, by definition, a flat, circular bread oven-baked and then topped with various delectable additions, such as tomato sauce, cheese, pepperoni, anchovies, and castor oil. It is also, by definition, the greatest food in existence, and is listed as one of mankind’s seven most wondrous inventions, alongside the wheel, the harnessing of electrical power, and space travel. Truly, Pizza is awesome.

Amongst its most obvious wonders is its taste. The crust, the very pizza itself, oven-baked and shaped as a plate for the toppings, can be cooked to either a crunchy, elegant hardness or into a loose, chewy softness; both are nothing short of pure joy and happiness once inside of your mouth. Above it is laced with bountiful sauce taken from tomatoes, or perhaps even tomatoes themselves. And above all, that most ancient of delicacies, a marvel predating the earliest histories… cheese. It is this combination that gives such beauty and such bounty.

But it is far, far more than simply a tasty treat. Where the awesomeness of pizza truly begins to shine is in its health benefits. There are those who rebut that pizzas can, in fact, be high in fat content. We call such people “spoilsports”. Their statements are misleading; while there is some fat content, there is, in fact, more than twice as much protein in pizza as there is fat. And the fat can’t possibly be that bad for you. For example, fat in pizza only accounts for 5% of my own personal gut. (the other 95% being the Dr. Peppers I drink with said pizzas)

But it goes beyond simple nutrition facts. In fact, doctors in Europe have found that people who eat pizza once a week are at a lower risk of cancer. That’s right: pizza is the cure for cancer.

Yet, we are not finished, for the benefits of pizza go beyond even personal health. It brings people together. In the late 1800s, as the Italian Queen Margherita wandered the streets of her cities, she noticed the special breads the lower classes all ate. Eventually, she ordered her servants to fetch her a piece of the bread. The other members of the upper class were shocked that she would eat the food of the peasants, but she was drawn to it like a moth to a flame. A cheesy, delicious, pizza-flavored flame. She loved it. She insisted it be delivered to her court, and eventually, cooked by her personal chef. While at first those of the upper class scoffed at the peasant food, eventually, they tried it and found that these peasants had discovered a piece of heaven here on earth. At last, the upper and lower classes had something in common. Besides being human. (usually)

But that is only a sample of its powers of joy and peace. You need look no further than a half-century further on, when pizza spread from Italy to Western Europe and into America. As it spread, peace followed it; for the first time in recorded history, the West was at peace with itself; while the East warred on, drawing ever closer to their attempts to destroy the world. The West had pizza. The East didn’t. Coincidence? I think not.

Look beyond, then, to the future. As this miracle spreads throughout civilization, we will, eventually, grow closer and closer together. Pizza will create world peace.

Best of all, though, Baron von Ricthovan approves. Consider that, my friends. Consider that.

And there you have it – the awesomenss of pizza boiled down to its essence: it is the most extraordinary taste, the greatest possible boost to your health short of celery and apple juice three times daily, the cure for cancer, and the creator of world peace. It is not only the greatest food in the world, but it is everything good and wonderful humanity has ever done, magnificently constructed and perfectly baked. Pizza truly deserves the title, indeed defines the word, awesome.

Title of the Blog

This blog might have begun ages ago if I had disovered a good title. I often find my stories mired in a titleless swamp, drowning in their own titlelessness. It’s not a good excuse for writer’s block, but it’s a surprisingly potent one. When I finally did come up with a title, cannibalizing a rejected name for another project, I asked my younger brother what he thought. In between slaying undead skeletons in Dungeons and Dragons online, he considered this carefully before responding, “It’ll work.”

“That’s it?” I asked. “It’ll work? You mean it’s only adequate?”

“No, it’s very adequate.”

“What’s wrong with it?”

“Oh, it’s a good title. It’s just too epic.”

This confused me. How could that possibly be a bad thing?

“Well, it means that the style of the DIE YOU UNDEAD MONSTROSITY JUST DIE ALREADY blog has to match the title. What will you be writing about?”
“A variety of things. Reviews, short stories, various ideas. I was thinking my first post would be about how awesome Pizza is.”

“Oh.”

“… because seriously, what’s more epic than Pizza?”

“Lots of things.”

“Like what?”

“Um… mushrooms.”

“Mushrooms are not more epic than Pizza, I’m sorry.”

“You just haven’t tried mushrooms the right way.”

“No. Mushrooms cannot be more epic than pizza. Pizza cures cancer and creates world peace. Science and history prove it.”

“Oh really? How have history and science FEEL THE WRATH OF MY ENCHANTED ARROWS MAGGOTS proven that?”

I spent the next several minutes laying out numerous compelling arguments for the superiority of pizza over… whatever he was talking about with mushrooms. (maybe a special way of broiling them?) Alas, my powers of persuasion were wasted on ears interested only in the wailing and torment of his dying, pixilated foes, and I was forced to conclude that my title was, in fact, epic in all the right ways.

This blog is intended to be an outlet for my writing. I’m an aspiring film maker who dabbles in novels, short stories, and articles, but rarely finishes any and often finds himself going weeks without writing anything of value. This blog is an attempt to correct that. I will make at least five entries every week, and attempt to write daily entries. Some will be tales, some snippets of screenplays, some movie reviews, perhaps some Doctor Who reviews, even some amateur analyses of politics or theology.

And every now and then, I’ll even try to write about something important. Like the awesomeness of pizza.

NEXT TIME ON – FOREVER A MADMAN: