Pizza is Awesome

Pizza is, by definition, a flat, circular bread oven-baked and then topped with various delectable additions, such as tomato sauce, cheese, pepperoni, anchovies, and castor oil. It is also, by definition, the greatest food in existence, and is listed as one of mankind’s seven most wondrous inventions, alongside the wheel, the harnessing of electrical power, and space travel. Truly, Pizza is awesome.

Amongst its most obvious wonders is its taste. The crust, the very pizza itself, oven-baked and shaped as a plate for the toppings, can be cooked to either a crunchy, elegant hardness or into a loose, chewy softness; both are nothing short of pure joy and happiness once inside of your mouth. Above it is laced with bountiful sauce taken from tomatoes, or perhaps even tomatoes themselves. And above all, that most ancient of delicacies, a marvel predating the earliest histories… cheese. It is this combination that gives such beauty and such bounty.

But it is far, far more than simply a tasty treat. Where the awesomeness of pizza truly begins to shine is in its health benefits. There are those who rebut that pizzas can, in fact, be high in fat content. We call such people “spoilsports”. Their statements are misleading; while there is some fat content, there is, in fact, more than twice as much protein in pizza as there is fat. And the fat can’t possibly be that bad for you. For example, fat in pizza only accounts for 5% of my own personal gut. (the other 95% being the Dr. Peppers I drink with said pizzas)

But it goes beyond simple nutrition facts. In fact, doctors in Europe have found that people who eat pizza once a week are at a lower risk of cancer. That’s right: pizza is the cure for cancer.

Yet, we are not finished, for the benefits of pizza go beyond even personal health. It brings people together. In the late 1800s, as the Italian Queen Margherita wandered the streets of her cities, she noticed the special breads the lower classes all ate. Eventually, she ordered her servants to fetch her a piece of the bread. The other members of the upper class were shocked that she would eat the food of the peasants, but she was drawn to it like a moth to a flame. A cheesy, delicious, pizza-flavored flame. She loved it. She insisted it be delivered to her court, and eventually, cooked by her personal chef. While at first those of the upper class scoffed at the peasant food, eventually, they tried it and found that these peasants had discovered a piece of heaven here on earth. At last, the upper and lower classes had something in common. Besides being human. (usually)

But that is only a sample of its powers of joy and peace. You need look no further than a half-century further on, when pizza spread from Italy to Western Europe and into America. As it spread, peace followed it; for the first time in recorded history, the West was at peace with itself; while the East warred on, drawing ever closer to their attempts to destroy the world. The West had pizza. The East didn’t. Coincidence? I think not.

Look beyond, then, to the future. As this miracle spreads throughout civilization, we will, eventually, grow closer and closer together. Pizza will create world peace.

Best of all, though, Baron von Ricthovan approves. Consider that, my friends. Consider that.

And there you have it – the awesomenss of pizza boiled down to its essence: it is the most extraordinary taste, the greatest possible boost to your health short of celery and apple juice three times daily, the cure for cancer, and the creator of world peace. It is not only the greatest food in the world, but it is everything good and wonderful humanity has ever done, magnificently constructed and perfectly baked. Pizza truly deserves the title, indeed defines the word, awesome.